Sunday, January 11, 2009

Healing waters

Today seemed like it went on forever. Of course, I had gone out the night before and was ruing that last drink. And that last cigarette. My stomach churned. My head pounded. My heart palpitated. Despite being functional, I had this overall feeling of...well, I don't know how to describe it really. It was physical discomfort combined with a sort of mental or emotional restlessness. I ignored it until a conversation with a friend led me to say something ridiculous and unnecessary. I immediately apologized but the silence on the other end was deafening. Shaking my head in wonder, I dragged myself up the stairs and ran a hot bath, where I attempted to soak away my embarrassment. I picked up a book I'd been reading to take my mind off of things.

I finished the novel before bed and I lay there with my heart burning and butterflies in my stomach that threatened to escape. An hour later, half asleep and dreaming about summer nights that will be etched in my mind forever, I started weeping. Salty, boiling tears flowed like a river down the sides of my face and into my pillow. I cried for the shame I was feeling, for the selfishness of it. I grieved for lost love and vanished opportunities. I grieved for all the bad decisions I have made in my life,
for what can and will never be. I grieved for my freedom and the guilt that comes with wishing for a different life, even if only for a moment.

There was something something healing in the waves of raw emotion that washed over me. Tomorrow is a new day.

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