Thursday, April 2, 2009

The "Big D."

Here is my recent response to a friend's blog:

Thanks for writing this, Log. I’m happy that you have been such a great source of support for your friends.

Speaking from experience, I agree that getting married in your early twenties is not the best idea. Most of us are still finding our way and forming our identities at this time.

I also believe, as you do, that communication is key in any type of relationship. If you don’t tell someone what you want or need, you certainly won’t get it.

I have to draw the line, however, at your comment about abuse being the only reason to end a marriage. I, for one, know that I was not the best parent, nor the best person, I could be towards the end of my relationship. As I grew and changed over the years, my spouse stayed the same, and became unable to meet my needs on any level. My heart turned away from him as a result. No amount of counseling can fix that. It is extremely difficult to be with someone who cares about maybe half of what is meaningful to you at any given time.

Should I, a passionate, intelligent, purpose-driven person, have forced myself to stay in a marriage that was killing my spirit a little every day and sending me spiraling into depression? Should I have resigned myself to the fact that I would never again experience love or fulfillment or let’s face it … intimacy, just because I wasn’t being “abused” by someone else’s definition of the word?

While I don’t want my children growing up to think that they should just give up on any relationship without trying, I also want to raise them in the knowledge that they can always strive for more. I want them to have a strong female role model, someone who can help them become well-rounded people because SHE is one.


  1. With all due respect to my good friend Logtar, I don't think anyone can dictate reasonable grounds for divorce except the people directly involved.

    I too, think abuse is intolerable and I have absolutely no patience with abusers. Yet I have seen women stay in an abusive relationship because they think they really love the guy and believe him when he say's he's sorry and won't do it again.

    I've seen other marriages end because one of them snores. Seems trivial, unless you are the one who is always up all night and whose job performance suffers because of sleep deprevation.

    My point is, no one knows what goes on in a marriage except the two people involved.

    And 9 times out of of them is clueless too.

    You do what you gotta do.

  2. Whine, whine, whine. What an ongoing litany of self-loathing. Poor me, can't have the "movie style romance", nobody to "sweep me off my feet". "well-rounded"? What a joke! Try self-centered. "spiraling into depression" ... more like spiraling into self-pity. It's always greener on the other side, isn't it? NOT! And geez, pat yourself on the back a little more why don't you.

  3. Wow, Mr/Ms Anonymous. It sounds like you've either just ingested Kay's whole blog history in one sitting and found it distasteful, or have been seething for some time and finally erupted.

    As I understand it, she's not advocating any particular point of view in this blog. I read this one for enjoyment, because she is a friend. If you don't wish to peruse revelations put forth innocently, simply refrain from clicking on the link. Really. It's that simple.

    Sizing up a person's entire non-confrontational blog history in one sitting, in response to a single post is generally unfair, particularly given the context of the post. If you did the same to my blog, I would flame you, but my blog is too erratic and sporadic for that.

    Your reply? A touch of class. Why not step up and take a public bow so that we readers might congratulate you and shower you with appropriate accolades? If you won't appear on stage to accept your award, then I encourage you to mosey on and spread your verbal kudzu elsewhere.

  4. Gosh, Anonymous, I sense some latent anger coming to the surface here. Perhaps you have been hurt by a partner in the past and have not fully dealt with it, or maybe you are the product of a divorce that was not handled amicably. I’m not sure what your situation is, but it’s clear by your choice of adjectives that you don’t know me very well so I find it interesting that you could have such scathing, personal words for me. I would ask that you not judge me until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes.

    Your feedback is noted. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog, though perhaps you should find someone else’s to frequent since you find mine so troublesome. All the best to you.

  5. Wow! Anonymous, I would write something more eloquent to what you just said... but wrytir already did that so I will just say the following, I can spell anus with your name and that is what you remind me of... specially since all it is coming out of your mouth is poop, yeap I said poop.

    I already replied to what was left on my blog and well, I write to make people think... not to preach.

    That line that I wrote about abuse was a dangerous one, and you are right XO, the only two people that know or can make that decision are the two involved. However, from experience, if both want to try, most problems can be solved... however, it is very subjective to the situations and I was referring mostly to what a couple of friend have and gone through recently.


    What you are going through is so similar to what I went through its ridiculous. I did not have kids, and that made it a lot simpler, but all I can say to you directly is that you will get through and you are living, moving forward, those are steps in the right direction.